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EXCERPT 56 | TAKE 25

Your image does not seem of a reluctant star.
Stardom comes accompanied with tight leashes. And I resented this. I didn’t want to be the well-trained dog who has to constantly prove to his master. I wanted to be the master. I wanted to dictate, not be dictated. I wanted to pursue films as a dream, not as a nine-to-five job. If I wasn’t an actor, I could have been anything from a smuggler to a politician.

Smuggler? How can you say that?
What I mean is that you become what you’re exposed to. And since I was exposed to this medium from a very young age, I adapted and absorbed the influences around me as a part of my personality.

Looking back, which have been your favourite performances?
This may sound like a cliché and I’ve said this a hundred times but the last performance is invariably the best. Perhaps, the actor feels this way because he outgrows his roles. If I had to do Nayakan today, I’m sure I’d do it differently. An actor’s performance is determined not only by his talent but time, environment, mood and climate. When we were shooting Nayakan, the producer was very certain that the film was going to flop. It was much later when G. Venkateshwaran took over the film from producer Srinivasan, that all of us felt confident of the product. All this is bound to affect the performance.

What about the other roles?
Well... Mahanadi is my all-time favourite, so is Kurudhipunal, but the credit for Kurudhipunal should go more to the producer, than the actor. Amongst my old films, I think I’m competent in Sagar Sangamam. At one point, we were planning to dub it in Marathi, but too much time got wasted in floundering. I’d say that Nayakan and Thevar Magan are complete films. There are effective moments that touch you even today. My performance in Indian is okay, but I’ve donned tremendous make-up in the film. No other actor in India has done this kind of make-up so far. I made a couple of trips abroad to meet specialists and experiment. The role has a zing about it the way Appu had a zing in Appu Raja, even though Raja’s performance in the film is far superior to Appu’s. Appu is the obsession of a writer.

Now that you’ve experimented with both the mediums, which one would you say is easier - acting or writing?
Acting is certainly easier. Writing is a very difficult and a lonely process. An actor has many crutches but not the writer. This is also because I’ve never had a formal schooling. My writer friends don’t sympathise with my complex however. They tell me that I’m a show off, and indulge in false humility. Actually, this has to be understood in a larger perspective. I started writing as a hobby... because I wanted to express myself. I was working as an assistant to a director (K. Balachander) who’s first a writer and then a director. Balachander sir encouraged me to express my thoughts on paper. I was only 18 at that time, but he took me on as his co-writer. So often he’d tell the cameraman, ‘Let him take the shot. He knows the scene better than me.’ My copies even today have a lot of spelling and grammatical errors but this has never bothered me, because words are mere symbols.

If that was the case, why did it take you so long to launch yourself as a scriptwriter?
There was a phase in between when I didn’t write at all. The few scripts I did, I chucked away because I lost interest midway. Or because I felt they were not good enough. Somebody else picked up these ideas and made them into superhits. They added, of course, but the original idea was mine. After about five to six anonymous hits, I got the confidence to pen my own scripts. Raja Parvai was a thunderous flop at the box office. My co-producer and I had overestimated ourselves, taking on departments like distribution and exhibition we knew nothing about. The colossal loss was a slap to our ego. Totally fed up, I gave up writing scripts once again and switched to writing fiction. I wrote a thriller. It was serialised in a magazine for 36 weeks. Full of graphic violence, the story was so gruesome that Balachander sir rejected it outright. After a while, I lost interest in writing short stories as well.

Have you ever thought of writing an autobiography?
No. To write an autobiography I’ll have to lie and the kind of truths I know will hurt too many people. Exposing so many people is vanity. I might do it some time later, but not now. I’m not ready for it as yet.

You started as a technician, then dancer, then actor, producer and writer. What next?
I have to become a director. I should have directed a film 10 years ago. According to my friends I’m overdue by almost 20 years.

If I were to become a director I’ll not make as much money as I do as an actor. People think it’s the fear of failure that’s making me delay the decision. It’s not

So what’s delaying the process?
Avarice. I want more money. If I were to become a director I’ll not make as much money as I do as an actor. People think it’s the fear of failure that’s making me delay the decision. It’s not.

Isn’t that a contradiction? A while ago you said corruption lies in the touch of money.
You’re right it’s a contradiction. If I pursue direction with deprivation, chances of my becoming corrupt are greater. The urge for money is that much stronger. Just now I have the right amount of money to lead a comfortable life. Doing only one film at a time is letting go off a lot of luxuries. Compared to the other actors who do a number of films, I’ve made a lot of sacrifices. My getting into direction is a matter of time.

Will wife Sarika be starring in the project as well?
If there’s a deserving script and an adequate role, she must. I know she’ll not agree unless it’s a role she believes in. Her strength as an actress is that she’ll never agree unless she’s convinced about the script.

What is your strength as an actor?
The success of any actor not just me is that he is aware of the ambience of a script. That’s the only way to maintain a healthy relationship with the character. I’m slowly coming to a stage where I’m running out of people who can disagree with me. If they are wrong, so am I. The arguments continue and resolutions come in the process. Today, everybody is an all-rounder, a Kishore Kumar! These are times of general practitioners, not specialists. I think I have yet to prove myself as a producer.
And your weakness?
Millions. But I will wait for my critics to spell them out. Some of them, I’m willing to rectify. Some, I will not. Though I pretend to be organised, I am not. Like most successful men, I have all the trappings of punctuality but it is restricted to checking the wristwatch for an appointment. I’m improving though. Until I was 21, I never respected appointments. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve missed my flights. I’ve jumped off aircrafts while they were rolling up ladders. I think I did this because I had all the time in the world. Today, I don’t.

Would you say you are a better human being today?
I’m willing to learn and if there’s a strong person who will say that, ‘I know and I will show you the direction’, I’m willing to follow. The reason I’m not highly religious or political is because there is no leader who I could faitfully follow.
Looking back would you say life has been kind to you?
Very kind. I have regrets but it doesn’t matter. My father wanted me to do IAS and when I went to Mussorie recently it gave me immense happiness to be a part of the campus. I even sought permission for enrolling myself in the course but in India we don’t have such facilities. I also regret not going to the Pune Film Institute and learning formal acting. If I had, I wouldn’t be floundering in my scenes as I do now. Next month I’m going to USA, I might enroll myself in a scriptwriting course.

Would you say you are happy?
Almost. I’m not the happy kind. I’ll never settle down for happiness.

‘In interviews, stars sometimes speak in a way that does not sound right in print. Some writers make the adequate corrections, thereby contributing to the quality of the interview. Those who don’t, make us feel embarrassed. There is a third category. Interviewers who prefer to write articles based on their imagination. As a rule, all interviews are meant for effect. That’s the way it should be. Celebrities should preserve a side to them that is not for public. Over the years, I have mastered the golden blend where I don’t lie, but don’t tell the complete truth either. In the bargain, I beat around the bush... There are contradictions. But that’s how one grows. I’ve never regretted any of my statements. My earlier interviews were boastful. Not anymore. I say what I mean even if it involves walking over a few corns.’